The other day I had this revelation. It hit me while I was
talking with a friend in the car, I don’t feel the need to constantly get up
and go places. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been gone for a month and am happy to
be home again . . . but home wasn’t something I was especially looking forward
to returning to while I was gone. I mean I love being home but it just wasn’t
what I was dying to get back to.
And it wasn’t even this feeling that I didn’t want to go
anywhere else again but just that I didn’t have this overwhelming drive inside
me that I HAD to go somewhere else. I started realizing this after turning down
a job in Canada. A job I’d been hoping to get since hearing about the position.
(The reason wasn’t just cause I didn’t want to travel. lol.)
I realized that I just don’t have this need to go anywhere.
Inside my soul I feel a strange thing that I haven’t felt before . . . or that
I don’t ever remember feeling. I feel settled. I knew that while I was in
Hungary I was changing. I just wasn’t sure how or the extent of it. I just knew
that I felt like things inside me where shifting. It wasn’t until that day in
the car with my friend that I realized: this is what changed.
My mom said it’s because when I went to Hungary I went home.
And in some ways she’s right. Hungary was this elusive land I couldn’t quite
reach. It was like the missing piece of me. The place I’d been trying to get to
since I was three years old and begged my parents to let me go home with my
grandparents. Everything felt so right in so many ways when I was there.
Especially while I was in Gyula visiting my grandfather. It did feel like a
home. Many times I wondered why I was leaving and when and how could I return
as soon as possible.
I still love the idea of traveling to new places and believe
me there are many adventures I want to have. But before I didn’t feel this need
or desire to have a home to come back to. My home would be wherever I am—I mean
that’s the premise of this blog. That wherever I go, my heart and home goes
with me. I don’t need a base. I am my own base. And while in theory I still
believe that, I do want a place to come back to. I don’t know what that will
look like or who that will include or even where that will end up being. But
there’s a settling happening in my heart and as much as I’m all about being
that strong, independent women who travels all the time and doesn’t give a care
about what or who she leaves behind, maybe I do care somewhere deep inside my
heart. Maybe I do want to return to the same place after each adventure.
Who knows? This is definitely a new feeling and a new phase
of my life.
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